


Magic is the Cause of All Our Problems

by ohsnapitsmama



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Magic, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Bear!John, Dialogue Heavy, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Humanstuck, M/M, Magic, Mentions of Violence, Mild Angst, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, The Windy Thing (Homestuck), bi!john, but like not really, coming to terms with sexuality, ill add more tags as the story progresses, karkats a vampire so hes not a troll but hes not technically human either, mentions of abuse, no beta we die like men, not sure yet but ill crank up the rating if there is, original magic system, potentially eventual smut, technomancy, twink!Dirk, vamp!karkat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:47:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26438938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohsnapitsmama/pseuds/ohsnapitsmama
Summary: Dirk and Dave move into a new apartment near their brand new magical college and meet a couple of their neighbors on move in day.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, John Egbert/Dirk Strider
Comments: 2
Kudos: 40





	1. Move In Day

**Author's Note:**

> Like all my fics seem to be lately, this is based on an RP my partner and I are doing. It's ongoing so idk how many chapters this will be, depends on when I get tired of writing it up I guess! Let me know what y'all think! :)

Magic College was a new concept. The place had a name, obviously, but Dirk and Dave couldn’t be bothered to care or remember what it was. So Magic College was a new concept. Typically, every discipline of magic had its own universities with lots of restrictions on what could be learned, but some asshat had gone and said you know what fuck this shit let’s put all the disciplines in one place and let everyone learn as much as they want! The idea was pretty cool, actually, and despite a lot of people saying it would fall on its face because “the disciplines are taught separately for a REASON!”, Magic College was a massive success. So much so that the dorms had filled up ridiculously fast and the school ended up buying a few nearby apartment complexes to lease to students. Yeah. Apartment. Complexes. As in multiple. This place was so fucking popular it was almost unbelievable, but this level of attendance wouldn’t last long. Either people would get bored and leave or find they weren’t cut out for it, or more schools like Magic College would open. Lucky for them, Dirk and Dave managed to snag a sweet two-bedroom apartment across the street from campus. It was big and rad and from what they’d seen so far on move-in day their neighbors were (mostly) also pretty rad. What was decidedly not rad is that one of them (Dave) had forgotten the apartment keys and now they were both stuck in the hall with all their shit waiting for some poor RA to bring them a copy. 

“I can’t believe you did this”, Dirk said, lifting his shades long enough to rub at his face in exasperation.

“Dude, it’s not my fault.”

“It is your fault, you were in charge of the keys!”

“No, I was in charge of the snacks.”, Dave insisted.

“You appointed yourself in charge of snacks!”

Dave shrugged and lounged on a stack of boxes. “And your point is…? Dude, you never told me to keep track of the keys and I’m not a fucking mind reader, what do you want from me?”

“I don’t fucking know anymore I am just so”, Dirk said with a sigh as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “fucking tired.”

From a little further down the hall, a harsh voice said, “What the fuck is this?”

Dave snapped his head up at the sudden intrusion – which wasn’t even really an intrusion on the guy’s part since they were the ones blocking the whole hallway – and slapped Dirk on the arm a few times to pull him out of his continued bitching about keys. 

“Ow ow ow! Fucking what Dave, are you doing to tell me that you forgot your head in your ass again? You need an emergency decapitation? I’m sure I could accommodate that.”  
Dave just pointed down the hall and Dirk turned around, making eye contact with the very angry new arrival. “Oh.”

“Sorry dude”, Dave said. “Ain’t got any keys we’re waiting for an RA to run us up a spare.”

“Not sure how long it’ll be”, Dirk added.

New Guy groaned loudly and said, “God fucking dammit. You chucklefucks can’t even, I dunno, tetris some of this shit? Like enough to let me the fuck through??”

“Bro this shit is tetrised out the fucking wazoo”, Dave said.

“So fucking tetrised the game devs declared tetris officially dead”, Dirk added.

“We tetrised so thoroughly we killed a whole ass forty year old game franchise.” Dave nodded sagely.

“There’s no resurrecting that shit it’s well and truly obliterated by our sweet tetris skills.” Dirk shook his head in faux remorse.

“They said no one would ever tetris better than we tetrised these damn boxes in this hallway.”

The New Guy looked between the two of them as they went back and forth and said, angrily, “Jesus fucking Christ, do you two share a goddamn brain or something??”

Dirk and Dave looked at each other, then back to him, and said, simultaneously, “Probably.”

New Guy took a long, steadying breath, and said, “Ah. I understand now. This is hell.”

Somewhere behind New Guy, the elevator dinged again, and the sound of shuffling feet made its way down the hall as yet another New Guy appeared, wheeling a cart full of boxes behind him. 

“Uhhh…”, New Guy#2 said. “What’s goin on here?”

New Guy#1 turned and looked at him, and then gave a resigned sigh and moved to sit on the floor against the wall.

“Oh dude, trust me this isn’t hell if you think this is hell you wouldn’t know actual hell if it bit-” Dirk’s entire brain screeched to a halt mid-sentence as he saw New Guy#2 join their Not Quite A Party, and yeah he knew he shouldn’t be staring but. Who the fuck   
gave this dude the right to look so good? Was it even legal to be so fucking built? Dave looked between his brother and New Guy#2 and smirked knowingly at Dirk.

“Key mishap”, Dave said, doing a bad job of hiding his laughter. “Gotta wait for an RA to bring us a new one, and sorry but we can’t tetris these boxes any more than we already have.”

“Oh”, New Guy#2 said.

“Welcome to hell”, New Guy#1 replied from the floor, blatantly ignoring what Dirk had been saying before this new dude showed up. 

“So….”, New Guy#2 started. “It’s going to be a bit, I’m guessing.”

Dave smacked Dirk on the arm again and Dirk woke up from whatever attraction-based coma he’d been in.

“Yes! Uh. Yeah, unfortunately. Sorry, dude.”, he said.

Dave snickered and Dirk hit him on the arm this time.

“Ow! Dude, that’s way harder than I smacked you. Don’t do a hit.”

“You hit me first! Twice!”

New Guy#1 groaned again. “Fucking Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee over here”, he groused. 

New Guy#2 looked between the three of them and started to smile. “Hey hey hey, I know tensions are kind of high”, he said, turning around to reach into his boxes. “But I think I know what can calm us alllll down.”

“You sound like a drug dealer”, #1 said.

“Uh, no, say no to drugs, dingus.”, #2 replied, pulling a pack of Ghostbuster themed cards out of his boxes. “Who wants to see a magic trick?”

“God no”, #1 insisted.

“Sure you do!” #2 was already shuffling his cards.

“I kinda wanna see”, Dirk said.

“Dude, you know it’s like. Mundane™ tricks. You know how that shit works”, Dave muttered between them, trying not to laugh and failing.

“So?”, Dirk asked, clearly irritated. 

“Geez, think you could drop your panties any faster?”

Dirk definitely didn’t flush at that and he certainly didn’t huff a little when he told Dave to go fuck himself. 

“Okayyyy, see this top card here?”, #2 asked, flipping the top card over. “King of hearts, right right? Whoooaaaa—” He took the card in his other hand and began to shake it until it appeared to turn into a different card. “Now it’s an eight of spades!”

Dirk and Dave politely golf clapped from their perches. 

“Kill me”, #1 said.

“Oh, another one? Sure thing! ‘nother trick, coming right up!”

#2 carried on like that for several minutes, and #1 slowly sank further and further down against the wall until he was just flat out laying on the floor.

“Still in hell?”, #2 asked innocently.

#1 lifted a hand and flipped him off.

“Absolutely incredible you funky little bear”, Dave said. “You broke him with a deck of cards.”

“Truly a spectacular feat”, Dirk added.

“Honestly”, #2 laughed. “I thought it’d take longer.”

“Fuck yourself!” New Guy #1’s voice was muffled by the carpet as he yelled and pulled the hood of his hoodie firmly over his head.

“God I wish I could do that”, Dirk said.

“Desperate”, Dave replied. 

“Do you ever shut the fuck up?”

“Nah.”

“Is that even possible?”, New Guy #2 asked.

“If you’re dick’s big enough maybe.”, Dirk replied. 

Laughing, Dave said, “This is like the Marilyn Manson removed his ribs to suck his dick conversation.”

“He super didn’t”, #1 said into the carpet. “But I bet there’s people who have.”

“Probably because they heard that rumor, and then found out it didn’t work”, Dirk said with a shrug. “Like it’s possible to suck your own dick but it’s all about flexibility.”

Dave, looking incredulously at his brother, asked, “How the fuck do you know?”

“Oh, right, like I’m the only one here who’s researched that shit to see how likely it was I could do it??”

“No, dude, I sprained my neck you know. Like a normal fucking person.”

“I also sprained my neck”, #2 said a bit sheepishly. “Just little dick haver things I guess.”

A muffled “Incredible” sounded from under #1’s hood. Dave pointed at #2 and said, “Dude. Sprained neck bros.” #2 laughed and stepped closer to give Dave a sick fist bump. Dave bumped that fist so fucking good.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”, Dirk asked. “How the fuck is spraining your neck trying to suck your own dick more normal than researching it to find out if it was even plausible?”

“I was like fifteen!”, #2 huffed. “You really think I was thinking things through?”

The group fell silent for a brief moment before New Guy #1 piped up and asked, against his better judgment, “Okay, but now the question is did any of you actually manage it?”

“Nah”, Dave said. “But I got close!”

“I did.”

Dave whipped around and glared at Dirk, not that anyone could actually tell what his eyes were doing behind his shades. “Bullshit!”

“I did, though!”

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me??”

“Oh, yeah, I was just supposed to go up to my younger brother at the tender age of fifteen and be like hey kid what’s up I sucked my own dick??”

“Yes!”

“Dude”, Dirk sighed. “What the fuck? No.”

“That’s such bullshit, you totally didn’t!”

New Guys #1 and #2 watched the two of them argue. 

“I did, there’s a whole technique to it.”

“Bullshit!”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Dave.”

“There’s a whole technique??”, #2 said, laughing at them both. “I guess that makes sense, I mean people have been trying to do it since we’ve had dicks to begin with, I think.”

“I can’t decide if I wanna know or not”, #1 said wearily. 

“Dirk, tell me the technique.”, Dave demanded.

“No.”

“Fucking! Tell me!”

“No!”, Dirk said. He looked at the New Guys and added, “I’ll tell you though.”

“You’ll tell these assholes but not your own fucking brother??”

“Yeah, and I’ll fucking whisper it to them and make them swear a blood oath to never tell you because you’re being such a fucking bitch about it.”

That made New Guy #1 laugh, and he said, “Now I almost want you to tell me just because it’s funny. Almost.”

New Guy #2 surreptitiously pulled out his phone, definitely not to google anything.

“Bruh, I’ll do it. Dave’s hilarious when he’s angry.”

“I don’t have a brother this is me officially disowning you. Kiss my ass.”

Dirk just laughed at him and laughed harder when Dave glared again.

“You’re disowning your brother because he won’t tell you how to suck your own dick??”

#2 quietly slipped his phone back into his pocket, presumably done not googling anything, and rejoined the conversation with a laugh.

“Exactly. Cruelest thing he’s ever done to me.”, Dave said.

“Just fucking google it, Dave.”

“No.”

“Why not??”

“It’s the principle of the matter.”

Dirk pinched the bridge of his nose and groaned. “Jesus you’re so fucking insufferable.”

“No, don’t fight, you’re both insufferable”, #1 said, though there was a bit less genuine irritation in his voice.

“We’re not fighting”, Dirk and Dave said in unison.

New Guy #1 raised his hands, eyes wide and brows up as he stared into the middle distance.

“You got told!”, #2 cackled.

“I sure fucking did!”

“You know what we’re being really fucking rude right now and I’m definitely not changing the subject to get out of discussing self-fellatio any longer than we already have”, Dirk said.

“Rude how?”, Dave asked. 

“Aside from blocking the entire hallway with our shit because you forgot the keys?”

“I told you, I didn’t-”

“We haven’t introduced ourselves yet, dude.”

“Oh. But is there even a point? We’ve said each other’s names a shit ton.”

Dirk rolled his eyes and turned his attention away from Dave. “Of course there’s a point, don’t be a dick. I’m Dirk Strider, and this is my shitty younger brother Dave.”, he said, only mildly irritated.

“Yo.”

New Guy #2 was still laughing but managed to compose himself long enough to say, “Nice to meet you. I’m John Egbert.”

“Karkat Vantas”, New Guy #1 added.

“Anyone ever call you Karkitty?”, Dave asked almost immediately.

Dirk’s attention was almost immediately on John, and he stepped away from Dave to hopefully tune out his brother’s conversation. John followed suit as Dirk said, “You, too. I uh… liked your card tricks.”

“Oh! You did?”, John laughed. “Aw, thanks! They’re pretty shitty, I love them.”

“Honestly, I kinda like shit like that in general. Kind of… endearing?”

John’s eyes lit up and he grinned. “Oh my god, someone else gets it. I’ve decided we definitely need to be friends, now.”

Dirk smiled and pulled out his phone, saying, “Give me your number?”

“Sure!” John recited his number and Dirk punched it in. He definitely didn’t save the contact as ‘Hottie 🐻’ before sending him a text that just said ‘😎’.

“Sick.”

John laughed a little and sent back a little ghost emoji. 

This started an all out emoji war between the two of them.

‘👁️👄 👁️’ from Dirk.

John snorted and sent, ‘✨weiner ✨’

‘🌭 😏’

Still cracking up a bit, John just replied with, ‘😱 🍆’

Dirk was determined to win. ‘🍆 😏 💦’

“Oho”, John said as he sent, ‘🥵 🥛’

Dirk only flushed slightly and laughed. ‘💦 🥛 🥵 🥛 💦’

“I dunno why I thought I was gonna be able to out nasty you.”, John said. “Lesson learned.”

“Rightly so. I am the king of nasty.”

“Wait wait”, John said. ‘🍆 👑 🍆’ “Your crown, sir.”

“Ah, yes, a crown made only of the finest phalluses in the universe.”

“It’s what you deserve.”

As John and Dirk were lost in their little emoji war, Dave and Karkat had not stopped arguing the entire time. Karkat had glared at Dave over the Karkitty comment. 

“Why the actual fuck would anyo—oh. Haha, cause kat’s in my name. Good one. So funny. The audience screams with laughter and then commits mass suicide”, he said.

“What about Karkles?”, Dave asked.

“Is there any logic to that one or are you just trying to be as irritating as possible”, Karkat said flatly.

“Who fucking knows, Karkles?”

“God. Dammit.”

“What’s wrong, Karkitty? Kat got your tongue?” Dave was having way too much fun.

“Why don’t you go discuss self-fellating with your brother some more instead of whatever the fuck this is supposed to be?”

“Nah, this is way more fun”, Dave said. 

Groaning, Karkat said, “God I hope I manage to never see you again after this.”

“Aw, don’t say that, my dude. I’d miss you too much.”

“Are you always the most grating person on the planet?”

“Bro that’s my title”, Dave said. “That’s the shit they introduce me as when I go to important events.”

Karkat dragged his hands down his face. “Is there any special reason you’re doing this to me or are you just bored?”

“Bored. And you’re funny.”

He sighed and said, “Great” in a decidedly resigned manner.

“Well if you’re not gonna fight back it’s no fun”, Dave frowned. 

“I’m too tired. I’ve been in hell all fucking day and this is just the cherry on top. I need a nap and a snack and maybe a cry and if I fight back, I might actually literally fight YOU right now.”, Karkat said exasperatedly.

“Well shit dude I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“Don’t flatter yourself, the cry isn’t in any universe about you.”

“Ouch.”

With another sigh, Karkat reached into his bag for something, anything that would get him out of continuing the conversation. 

Dave wanted to say something else, but he didn’t know what. Like yeah, he was annoying, but he didn’t actually want to piss Karkat off more. But words were hard, so he shrugged and leaned against the boxes instead, glancing at his brother as Dirk discussed   
the finder points of dick crowns with John. It wasn’t much longer before a harried looking young woman came barreling around the corner and skidding to a halt in front of them. She put her hands on her knees and caught her breath for a second before popping back up with a wide grin and saying, “I got your spares!” She held out a key ring and Dave vaulted over his stack of boxes to grab them. 

“You’re such a fucking godsend, holy shit”, he said as he went to unlock the door.

“Sorry for the inconvenience”. Dirk said. “I hope it wasn’t too much trouble.”

“Haha whaaat? No way. Just had to run across town to Home Depot to get replacements made, no big deal”, she insisted.

Karkat finally stood up and stretched, preparing for the hall to finally be emptied. 

“Oh man, so you’ve been like running running.”, John said to her. “That’s pretty impressive, getting it done that quick.” Then, turning to Dirk he added, “Want help moving your stuff in?”

Dave threw the door open and yelled, “Halle-fucking-lujah, the promised land!”

“Uh, yeah, actually that’d be pretty sweet. Thanks.”, Dirk said. He walked over to the RA for a moment and said, “Sorry you had to do this. If you need any intense physical labor done in the future, don’t hesitate to ask Dave to do it for you. Y’know. As thanks.”

“Are you pimping me out to the RA??”, Dave called from inside the apartment. 

“Haha what? Never”, Dirk said, winking at the RA. She laughed and left them to move their shit inside as Dirk started grabbing boxes. John snorted at the brothers and started grabbing boxes, too. A lot of boxes. It didn’t seem like the Striders’ immense pile of shit stood a chance against John. Karkat quietly watched for a minute before also moving to help. Between the four of them, it took barely any time at all to clear the hallway. 

“Aw, thanks, Karkles. It was sweet of you to help”, Dave said, moving the last of the junk into the apartment. He stood near the door with Karkat and smirked. 

“Shut up”, Karkat said, scowling. “It’s just faster this way.”

“Karkat”, Dave said, putting a hand on his shoulder. “It’s ok, dude. You can admit you’re in love with me.”

“UGGGGHHH”, Karkat groaned, moving out of arms reach. “I’m in love with the idea of you shutting up.”

“Oh, you’re gonna shut me up~?”

“I have never hated anyone more than I hate you right this second”, Karkat said. 

“How could you say that, Karkat? Think of the children!”

“I’M LEAVING”, he hollered, flipping Dave off over his shoulder as he left.

Further in the apartment, Dirk was absolutely not flirting with John.

“Wow, you sure can carry… a lot”, he said. “I mean, you know. Relative to how much Dave and I can carry.” He wasn’t embarrassed, you’re embarrassed. Shut up.

“Huh?” It took John a second to process what Dirk had said, but when he did he smiled. “Oh. Yeah, I work out.” He flexed, just to show off.

Dirk’s brain crashed and it took him a second to reboot. “I uh. I can tell.”, he said after a second of re-learning how to function. “It’s- you look good.” What the fuck was he saying jesus christ shut your goddamn hell mouth before you look like more of a   
fucking fool.

“Thanks!”, John said with a bright smile. “You guys got this? I should probably get done moving my own stuff.”

“Yeah! Yeah, we’re good. Uh text me if you need help with anything. Or you know just… text me for whatever.”

“Sure thing!”, John nodded. “I got the moving stuff handled, but I’ll probably send more dick jokes at some point. See ya!” He gave a small wave and left, humming happily as he followed behind Karkat and closed the door.

Dirk waved goodbye and the second John was gone, he collapsed on the couch. “I’m going to die. I’m going to die and that man is going to be the reason. How the fuck am I still alive right now?”

“What’s that thing the French have?”

“What?”, Dirk said, looking at Dave in confusion.

“Some saying. La Petit Mort?”

“Why the fuck are you bringing up the French’s weirdly morbid phrase about the post-orgasm feeling being a little like death?” This wasn’t really clearing anything up for Dirk.

“You’re alive now cuz your body’s like waiting for John to give you a little mort, if you catch my drift.”, Dave said, trying and failing for the umpteenth time to not laugh. 

Jumping over the back of the couch, Dirk said, “You’re about to catch these fucking hands, dude.”


	2. Film Theory With Two Jackasses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turns out Dave and Karkat share a class, and Dave is determined to be friends. For some reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having fun writing this up, hope you guys are enjoying it! I'm trying to make it less dialogue heavy, but it'll probably be a couple more chapters before that starts to let up significantly. Each chapter from here on out is going to alternate which pairing is the focus, so next up is Dirk and John! Spicy.

If you asked Dave why he was taking a Mundane film course, he’d scoff and say it was all for the irony of course. You’d tell him you don’t think he’s using irony right and he’d just shrug again. What do you know about irony? He’s the kind of irony of course he’s using it right. And then he’d leave because this conversation blows and he doesn’t need some rando telling him he’s using irony wrong. Also he couldn’t just admit he was interested in magic-less film making, or film making in general, for whatever fucking reason. Did he know? Fuck no he did not. So he kept telling everyone it was a joke or an easy A or he needed to pad his schedule or some other mildly believable shit. Maybe then no one would pay attention to the fact he was first to class because he’d been so excited. 

He was engrossed in some game on his phone and barely registered that someone else had joined him. Someone who was much more fun than some dumb mobile game. Dave did a double take and waved at Karkat.

“Yooooo”, he said. Karkat scowled, sitting a decent distance away and nodding at Dave curtly. “Broooo. We’re in the same class.”

“I’m not your bro.”, Karkat said as he pulled a notebook out of his bag.

“Dude. Everyone’s a bro.”

“Whatever.” Karkat glanced at Dave before continuing his thought. “I’ll be honest, this is not somewhere I expected to find your annoying ass.”

“What”, Dave said. “a sick ass genius like me can’t like movies?”

“No, I just didn’t think there was anything even remotely cool about you.”

“You just don’t know what cool is. S’alright, though. I-”, Dave said, switching seats to sit next to Karkat. “- am willing to pass my knowledge of all things chilly to you.”

“Noooooo”, Karkat groaned, thumping his forehead on his notebook. “Goddammit, I should’ve just pretended I didn’t see you.”

“You really think that would’ve worked? You seriously think I would’ve just let my best buddy Karkat ignore me like that? Harsh, bro.”

“I’m not your buddy. I’m not your friend. I’m not your pal.”

“Naaaaah, you’re just in denial. No biggie.”, Dave said.

“I’m in denial about fucking despising you?”, Karkat scoffed. “Okay, sure, let me think about that real quick. I’mmmmm examining my feelings. I’m therapizing myself. Nope, still fucking hate your guts.”

“You don’t even know me and you hate me, that’s harsh as fuck.”

“Yeah? If you were my friend like you for some fucking reason keep insisting you are, you’d know I’m a huge asshole and I don’t get any better from here.”

Dave was quiet for a minute before shrugging and saying, “I can work with that.”

“Are you serious.”

“Dead”, he said, waving his hands over his throat.

“UGH.” Karkat put his notebook away and sighed. “I can’t possibly be that entertaining to you.”

“Maybe, maybe not.”

“What’s that supposed to mean??”

“I dunno dude, I just wanna be your friend.”

“I don’t get it.”

“What, like… you don’t know why someone would want to be your friend or something?”, Dave asked. That sounded kinda sad, and it definitely didn’t discourage him from his goal. 

“No”, Karkat huffed. “I told you. I’m an asshole.”

“Well now I wanna be your friend even harder. What the fuck dude. Do you have no friends because you’re an asshole or are you an asshole because you have no friends?”

“Don’t try to psychoanalyze me!”

“Too late, bro.”

“I will fucking move seats.”

“What’s so bad about being friends??”

“I—Y—It’s the principle of the thing at this point!”, Karkat insisted.

“I mean fine if you’re that dead set on hating me, hate me I guess.” Dave shrugged. 

“Fine. I do.”

“Fine.”

“Okay.”

“Alright.”

“Good.”

“Sick.”

“Stop already!”

“You started it.”

“I did not! I was trying to end the conversation!” Karkat was clearly more than a little exasperated at this point.

“Classic mistake”, Dave said with another shrug.

“Is there nothing that isn’t a mistake with you?! I’m trying to communicate that not only am I a huge fucking asshole but I’m a huge fucking asshole who is REALLY FUCKING ANNOYED by you and maybe you should find someone else to bother! If I try to be nice   
so you get bored I’m sure you’ll just decide that definitely means we’re friends and if I’m mean you just bounce right off it! There’s nothing left for me to do here! EXCEPT SCREAM, MAYBE.”

Dave quietly watched Karkat’s rage-fit with a supremely maintained blank expression, and then very calmly said, “What doesn’t annoy the shit out of you?”

“PEACE AND QUIET.”

“Damn, all outta that, sorry.”

“…..” Karkat just stared at Dave furiously for a minute before deflating and saying, “Films also don’t annoy the shit out of me.”

“Oh, word?”, Dave said, seeming to perk up a little. But not too much. He was a Cool Guy, after all. “What kinda films you like?”

“A decent variety. But mostly romcoms.”

Dave snorted. “Seriously?”

“I instantly regret saying any words of any kind to you.”

“No, no I don’t mean that bad just like…. A self proclaimed mega-asshole like you doesn’t seem the type to like romcoms, is all.”

Karkat crossed his arms and leaned back in his seat. “Mega-assholes can like sappy shit, too.”

“Yeah? How sappy we talking?”

“You’re trying to make fun of me, aren’t you.”

“Why would I be making fun of you I literally just said I wanted to be your friend, dude.”

His brows knitted like he didn’t believe Dave, but he continued talking anyway. “It depends… I mean, the sappy shit isn’t satisfying without a good conflict first. But the worse the conflict, the sappier I want the outcome to be.”

“Really?” Dave tapped his chin in thought for a minute. “I can dig that.”

Karkat looked at him, then down at the table in front of him, and frowned. “What… about you? What kinds of films… do you like?”

“Really shitty ones”, Dave said without missing a beat. “But like shitty on purpose. Ben Stiller movies, especially. Fucking Zoolander?? Absolute masterpiece.”

“Huh…. Have you seen Trolls 2?”

“Like… ages ago. Could probably do with watching it again.”

“Same”, Karkat said, slowly getting more invested in the conversation. “now that I think about it. God, that movie fucking sucks.”

“Uh you wanna like….” Dave flushed slightly because this totally sounded like he was asking Karkat on a date. “Watch it with me or something?”

“What?? Seriously? I just repeatedly shat curses all over you for a solid fifteen minutes.”, Karkat said incredulously.

Dave shrugged. “And? Dirk’s been doing that for twenty-odd years.”

Karkat tried really hard not to laugh at that, but he ended up making an ugly snort of a sound. “Based on my understanding of what it is to have a sibling, that sounds pretty run of the mill. I didn’t realize it carried over into… friend making or whatever.”

“Dunking is the only way I know how to show affection. Or whatever.”

“You’ve known me maybe an hour of elapsed time, don’t try to show me fucking affection.”

“Why the fuck not? I can be nice and shit without being close. I like your hair, dipshit. See? Nice. Friendly affection.”

“You do not, shut up.”

“How the fuck do you know, are you in my head? I said I liked your hair, so I like your hair. It’s like… fluffy and shit.”

Karkat scowled. “Don’t talk about my hair anymore.”

“Jeez, fine. Don’t know how to take a compliment, noted. Just gonna jot that down in the Friendship Journal. ‘Karkat doesn’t like compliments’.”

“I don’t understand why you’re so hellbent on trying to befriend me.”

“Maybe I wanted to make up for be so inconveniencing the other day. Maybe I’m selfish and wanted to befriend you for some decidedly lame reason. Who knows or cares, dude.”

“Why? Jeez, what’s so horrible about someone being friendly.”

“It’s really hard to believe you’re genuinely trying to be friendly after you intentionally tried to annoy me to death the other day”, Karkat groused. He looked more than a little grumpy slumped down in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest. 

Dave was quiet for a long moment, just sort of mulling over things before speaking. “I’m just Like That™️”, he said eventually.

Karkat squinted at him. “Okay, I guess that’s a little easier to believe.”

“I popped out the pussy like this so I doubt it’ll be changing anytime soon. I’ll concede I’m marginally less annoying when I’m not with my brother.”

“Amazing.”

“Just telling it like it is.”

This time, Karkat was quiet, staring off into the middle distance as he processed their conversation. “Okay”, he said, slowly. “We can watch Trolls 2 sometime. And maybe Zoolander ‘cause I haven’t fucking seen it. Will that satisfy whatever fucking need it is you   
feel to try and be my friend?”

Dave smiled slightly and said, “Hell yeah, dude.”

Karkat nodded and went back to scribbling in his notebook. Dave was satisfied with the conversation ending there and pulled out his laptop. If he was lucky, Karkat would never figure out that he was just very nervous about starting classes and had sort of just   
latched onto the first person to show up after him. Not like too nervous obviously that wasn’t cool but you know. Moderately nervous. For reasons.


	3. This Wasn't A Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John lifts weights, and Dirk is the most ungraceful person to set foot on a treadmill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HA! I lulled you into a false sense of security!! Turns out I was wrong about how long it'd take for the dialogue to let up a little. Only the davekat chapters are very dialogue heavy it seems. Also this one is pretty damn long, and it was super fun to write up so I hope y'all like it!

Dirk didn’t go to the gym often. Like, he didn’t dislike it and actually had fun most of the time, but he hated working out around too many people. And there were always too many people at the gym. But using the treadmill wasn’t really “working out”, right? Fuck if he knew. So, there he was, jogging on a treadmill wearing his (definitely not dumb) shades indoors like a douche, and casually looking around to observe other gym-goers. For the most part, they weren’t that interesting, but Dirk enjoyed people watching. And then, entirely unexpectedly, he saw John across the room. Big, buff – but like soft about it – John, at the free-weights, flexing his ridiculous biceps. Dirk immediately tripped over his own damn feet, face planting on the treadmill. The belt practically launched him towards the wall, sending him tumbling ass over head across the floor. Several things hurt, including his pride, and he sort of laid there hoping he’d just spontaneously die and not have to deal with the incredibly embarrassing   
aftermath of that.

Of course, the very sudden and very loud series of thuds got John’s attention. Fuck, it got EVERYONE’S attention. But John was the one who nearly dropped his weight and hurriedly went over to investigate.

“Woah, Dirk, what happened??”, he said, carefully looking over Dirk to see if anything was broken. “Are you ok?? Speak to me. Don’t go towards the light!”

“Kill me.”, Dirk said, voice muffled by the floor.

John let out a sharp bark of laughter before trying to muffle himself. “I’m gonna guess that means you aren’t actually dying for real.”

“With a wipe-out like that, I wish I was dying.” Groaning, Dirk sat up and almost immediately cursed loudly. “Shit!”

“What’s wrong??” John knelt next to Dirk in case he needed help.

Dirk shifted and held up the mangled remains of his (not dumb) shades.

“My shades are fucking decimated holy shit.”, he said, frowning.

“Aww!”, John said. Then, “No offense, but uh. You were wearing them in here even??.... Nevermind, not important. Jeeze, I’m glad you didn’t cut your face or anything body horror-y like that.”

Dirk looked up at him with a (vaguely) sad look in his eyes. “Bruh, I’ve had these forever.”

John didn’t immediately respond, instead just sort of… staring at Dirk. At his eyes. Dirk groaned again and stood up, avoiding John’s gaze, and stretched a bit as he tried to find any particularly sore spots. Turned out, everything was sore. Everything. 

“Fuuuuuck. Not gonna be doing much of anything for a couple days after that.”

Shaking his head, John pulled himself out of whatever fucking trance Dirk’s eyes had him under and stood up, too. “That’s totally understandable, even though I have no idea what even happened.”, he said. “Do you need anything? I didn’t see it but it sounded like you got into a fight with a trash compactor, I’m shocked you’re not hurt worse.”

“My back probably needs cracking, but otherwise I’m good. I think. Probably.”

“Want help with that?”, John asked.

“Uh. Sure?”

“Ok.” He moved behind Dirk and said, “Cross your arms over your chest for a sec? Like with your hands on your shoulders.”

Dirk did as instructed, awkwardly crossing his arms and grabbing his shoulders. “Like this?”

“Perfect! Now, I’m just gonna lift you real quick—” John grabbed Dirk’s elbows and, lifting him off the ground, leaned back with Dirk held close against him so his back would crack. 

Dirk made a quiet and very undignified squeak as his back very audibly popped. It felt great, really satisfying and instantly made his back less sore, but it was impossible to pay attention to anything other than John’s hands on him. John’s chest against his back.   
Just John, in general.

“I don’t weigh anything to you, do I?”, he asked with a huff of laughter.

“Not at all”, John said as he set Dirk back down. “I bet I could bench you.”

“Holy shit”, Dirk breathed, stumbling slightly. He just had bad balance, that had nothing to do with him thinking about John bench pressing him. “Wanna test that theory?”

“Uhhh sure!” John looked around for a bench and gestured for Dirk to follow him. “Ok, so you’re gonna want to turn your back to me and then lean. I’ll catch you, don’t worry about falling.”, he said, laying down on the bench. “Then keep everything as straight as you can.”

“Shit, ok.” Was this weird? Part of Dirk felt like it should be weird, but maybe that was just because he was developing a more than acceptably large crush on John. He stood there awkwardly for a moment before doing as John directed, turning his back to him and leaning carefully backwards. By the time he was definitely past the point of being able to catch himself, Dirk wondered if this was a Peanuts moment. Was he Charlie, was John Lucy, was the promise of being bench pressed like he was a ragdoll the metaphorical football? Fuck. 

No, of course not. That was a silly thought and Dirk was a silly man for having it. John caught him as promised, placing one hand just under the base of his neck and the other under Dirk’s thigh, and John lifted him with a soft grunt. 

“Holy shit”, Dirk breathed, again, because really what other response was there to being fucking bench pressed by a fucking bear? Was it possible to have literal star-eyes? Because that’s what Dirk had, for sure. And he didn’t have his shades anymore so anyone who saw his face could tell exactly how he was feeling. Or what he was thinking. Good fucking god that was terrifying. The mortifying ordeal of being known and all that shit. He tried not to think about it, but he also tried not to think about how warm John’s hands were. He succeeded at only one of those.

Of course John, being unable to see his face, was completely unaware of the struggle Dirk was dealing with, and continued to do a few reps with him like Dirk was a sack of potatoes. A very gangly and extruded sack of potatoes, but a sack of potatoes   
nonetheless. After a few seconds, he warned Dirk and gently set him back on his feet before sitting up with a bright smile.

“Holy. Shit”, Dirk said, for a third fucking time because Jesus Christ he was so fucking gay and this was all completely unfair and he’d entirely forgotten how to function. All his brain could say was, “Dude.”

John chuckled, but faltered slightly when he met Dirk’s gaze. “Uh—Yeah!”, he said, smiling brightly again. “Wow, you really liked that, huh? Noted.”

Dirk didn’t flush. He didn’t flush and he didn’t duck his head and look away. “I mean, just impressive shit, right? I know I weigh like 90 LBs soaking wet but I’ve never been fucking bench pressed before.”

John looked dangerously close to having his own set of star-eyes going on. “Okay, that’s fair”, he laughed, standing up and stretching a bit. “Glad I could make that happen for you.”

“Kinda glad I ate shit on the treadmill now, honestly.”

“I’m still amazed you’re ok!”

“Listen, I might be the twinkiest motherfucker on the planet, but I’m not fragile”, Dirk said with a shrug. “I’ve gotten through worse with less.”

“I wasn’t saying you were fragile!”, John wheezed. “That’s just. Listen, I get concerned.”

“Aw, you care about me”, Dirk said, laughing. “That’s gay, bro.”

John immediately flushed and sputtered, tripping over his words. Oh no. He was so cute. 

“You haven’t even begun to see gay from me”, he said. “Bro.”

“Oh yeah?”, Dirk asked, still laughing. “Is that a promise?”

“I dunno, is it? Who knows. Not me.”

“You’re kinda weird, huh? I like that.”

John laughed, a loud, genuine laugh, his face still flushed. “I’m so glad you like my weirdness.”

“Anyone who wouldn’t is out of their fucking minds.”

His laughter gradually died down, but John was still smiling happily as he said, “You’re a pretty cool guy, Dirk.”

Why did that make Dirk blush?? He WAS a pretty cool guy. He’d been pretty cool since he popped out the pussoi. “The cooliest”, he said.

“Absolutely.” John didn’t even try to menace him for that.

Get it the fuck together, Dirk, this was so not the cooliest way to act. “Uh, you—are you still gonna be working out for a while?”

“Wellll….” John glanced over to where he’d been before Dirk lost a fight with the treadmill. “I was planning on it, but. I got distracted. Why?”

“You wanna like…. Get a drink or something?”, Dirk asked. “Like a smoothie, not like… booze. Booze after a workout is bad. Unless you want you drink booze, that’s cool, too.” Shut up you fucking imbecile. Dumbass. Holy shit.

“A smoothie sounds really good right now. Booze can happen some other time.”

“Yeah. Yes, uh. Definitely. I think there’s a good smoothie place near our complex?”

“Really?? Nice!” John went back to the free weights to put what he’d used away and clean off the bench. “Okay. Let me put non-sweatynasty clothes on, and then you should show me this mythical smoothie place.”

“Sounds like a plan”, Dirk said, then looked down at his own gym clothes. “Er, maybe I should run home and change, actually. Just come by when you’re done?”

“Sure thing!” Smiling, John waved and disappeared into the locker room. 

Holy shit. Holy shit. John was really going to be the death of him, wasn’t he? Honestly, Dirk would probably say fucking thanks. He grabbed the remains of his glasses and headed home to shower and change. Maybe it’d calm him the fuck down.

Dave, of course, could not leave him alone the moment he walked through the door. 

“Yo. You look like you got chopped and screwed.”, he said.

“Shut up.”

“Oooh, shit you did get chopped and screwed.”

“I said shut up.”

“When has that ever fucking worked? I literally talked so much Karkat agreed to be my friend to shut me up, and even that didn’t work.”

Dirk wanted to say something. He had a comeback ready on the tip of his tongue. But if he replied, he’d end up arguing with Dave for hours and he had shit to do. People to see. Smoothies to drink. So, he just left and went to his room. 

“Buzzkill”, Dave muttered, grabbing a popsicle from the freezer. He managed to enjoy one whole popsicle and about ¼ of a second one before someone knocked on the door. Well, shit, this is going to eat into prime popsicle enjoyment. Dave answered the   
door, staring blankly at John as he stood in the doorway, in his pajamas and shades, eating his popsicle. “Sup.”, he said. 

“Oh, hi!”, John said, trying not to sound awkward. “I’m—Is Dirk here?”

Dave just stood there for a minute, staring at John and eating his popsicle. It was a damn good popsicle. Banana flavored. That special ice-pop texture but in popsicle form. Delicious. Eventually, he looked over his shoulder and yelled, “Hey Dirk! Your   
boyfriend’s here!!” Looking back at John, he added, “Yeah, loser’s in the shower or some shit. Wanna come in? It takes him 80 years for him to fucking coif his hair like a douche.”

John choked a bit and said, “B—We’re not—Okay.”

Dave turned around and headed to the couch, flopping down unceremoniously and slurping at his popsicle. The apartment wasn’t exactly messy, Dave and Dirk for the most part had grown past their need to shove shit in and on every available space possible,   
but it wasn’t neat by any stretch of the imagination. Framed anime posters lined the walls, there was a shelf of obviously dead things – bones mostly, sometimes a shadowbox of pinned insects, and was that a stuffed bird?? – and the shelf under that had some (rare) pony figurines. The wall over the tv had a couple of mall kiosk swords mounted, and the table beneath it was cluttered with gaming systems, movies, and game cases. Eclectic is the best word to describe what the livingroom looked like, a weird mishmash of the brothers’ interests that somehow seemed to make some kind of sense. 

“You ever play Tony Hawk Underground, dude?”, Dave asked, and as he help up a hand, a couple controllers flew up from the table and he plucked them out of the air. 

John took a moment to look around and just… absorb the chaos in the room.

“Huh?”, he said. “Oh, dude, it’s been so long since I’ve even heard that game mentioned.” He happily sat down with Dave and took a controller. “Nice magic, by the way.”

“Thanks. Dirk and I are uuuhhhh fuck what’s the word…. Technomancers or some shit. Dope as fuck. Dirk makes robots and junk with it. Sicknasty shit like that.”, Dave said.

“Wow, really? That’s awesome!”

“He sure thinks so. Used to spend all his time tinkering with a stupid AI version of himself that just rambled about logical fallacies and called you a bitch.”

“Oh my god, that’s hilarious.”

“You think so until his stupid robot body is waking you up at 3am to be ironic at you because Dirk made him when he was fucking 13 and never updated the fucker’s personality”, Dave said derisively. 

“OH NO”, John replied, breaking into horrified cackling. “Oh my GOD.”

“Glad that fucker’s essentially gone, I was so close to just decapitating that asshole.”

“Hal could survive decapitation”, Dirk said from behind the couch. Dave and John jumped in a very uncool way. “I tried once, didn’t work.”

“You seriously decapitated that motherfucker and he didn’t die?”

“Yeah, it was fucked up.”

“Dude.”

“I know. Hey, John.”

Dirk was dressed pretty casually, but like not too casually because he had to look cool and impress John. For no particular reason. 

“Hi, Dirk”, John said. “That sounds like the beginning of a robot revolution movie. The pivotal point where the robot decides to raze human life from the planet. But like, with an anime flair I guess.”

“There’s an 87% chance Hal was already homicidal before I shut him down, and probably a 100% chance he would be now if I booted him back up. But I won’t because I like my life as is and my head squarely on my shoulders where it belongs. Wouldn’t put it   
past him to try and put my head in a box or something fucked up like that.”

“Can we stop talking about your dumb murder-bot? Jeez fucker gave me nightmares. Are you going on a date or what?”, Dave said, finishing off his popsicle.

“It’s not a date, we’re just a couple of bros getting smoothies.”

“Uh-huh. Sure, dude.”

“You’re one to talk, don’t you have a ‘study’ date with Karkat?”, Dirk said.

“Nah, we’re gonna watch some shitty movies and maybe touch tips but I wouldn’t call that a date.”

Dirk just sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Alright, we’re going. Right, John?”

John had been watching their back and forth with an amused smile on his face. Setting the controller down on the coffee table and standing, he said, “We’ll have to play Tony Hawk some other time. Enjoy touching tips with Karkat.”

Dave waved at them as they left. “Sure thing. It’s gonna be the tip touching of the century.”

Dirk grabbed his keys and nearly hurried John out the door before Dave could embarrass him further.

“Sooo….”, John said in the elevator. “Can I ask about the murderbot? Because I’m dying to ask about the murderbot.”

Dirk laughed a bit. “It’s not as interesting as it sounds.”

“How is a murderous AI in a full on robot body not interesting??”

“I meaaaaaaan…. Hal wasn’t—I didn’t design him to be aggressive, much less homicidal.”

“Of course not. I didn’t think that.”

Dirk laughed again, nervously. The elevator dinged and, as they headed outside, he said, “I made Hal when I was 13 and he was basically a copy of my own personality which was cool for a while, but the problem is that I was 12 and had all the worst traits a 13   
year old could have. He wasn’t technically homicidal, but he wasn’t exactly… docile after a while. He learned, fast, and from the wrong person. Ended up kind of possessive of me?? I don’t know.” Great thing to be spilling so early on in a new friendship, Dirk. Perfect. Keep going! “Anyway, he… He tried to hurt Dave, who already hated him, and I decided enough was enough and Hal needed to be put down. Uh. Literally. But you know having been based on me he might’ve known what I was thinking and might’ve gone a little.. tiny bit apeshit.” He fell silent for a minute, thinking about something and staring into the middle distance before laughing again, though this time was much less nervous. “I’m shit at making robots. Hal’s not the only murderbot I’ve accidentally made, but he was definitely the worst.”

John just sort of stood outside the apartment building and watched Dirk as he absorbed everything said, eyes wide behind his glasses. It was a second before he said anything. “Y’know, I probably should’ve guessed something like that might’ve not turned out   
so great.”, he said apologetically. “Sorry for pushing it. I still think that’s impressive, though, even if uhhhh y’know.”

“Nah”, Dirk said. “It’s fine. I mean, normally I wait til I’m several years deep into a friendship before spilling the murderbot beans, but… eh.” He shrugged. The truth of the matter was that Dirk didn’t do that, in fact he usually avoided doing that, but one of   
Dave’s friends kept therapizing him and insisting he needed to talk about it sometimes. There were a lot of things from that time in his life he should talk about, she told him. And he liked John, and John asked, so why the fuck not? Truth be told, it felt kind of…. Cathartic? God, Rose would look so fucking smug if she knew. “You’re just special, I guess.”

“Aww”, John said, with a soft laugh of his own. “Well, thanks for telling me, then.”

“Since we’re deeply entrenched in this impromptu feelings jam, you got anything to get off your chest?” Well, that might be a bad idea, but Dirk was dumb. Very dumb. And dumb people make great decisions. 

“Uh. Wow, it’s hard to come up with something I haven’t mostly dealt with when I’m on the spot.”

“You don’t have to. It’s good to know you’re you know. Emotionally well adjusted.” Wow, was it just Dirk or did that sound really bad? Was it condescending or something? He wasn’t sure, but it felt like he’d used the wrong words and he sort of grimaced at   
himself. This Not Date was going so fucking well so far.

John shrugged. “I’m not saying there’s nothing, it’s just kinda… tough to dig too deep into my own brain in a hurry. I’ll probably think of something at some point when I’m not actively trying to.” Then, smiling at Dirk, “Brains are pretty weird, huh?”

“The weirdest”, Dirk agreed with a small laugh. “Sorry for making the conversation… weird? I guess?”

“I’m not bothered. Promise.”

“Well good.” God knows there’ll be plenty of times for Future Dirk to fuck it up and bother him. “Let’s talk about something else.”

“Okay!”, John said. “Have you seen Con Air?”

“Once, but to be fair, I try to limit myself to one Nic Cage film a year, otherwise I might just OD on how epic he is.”

“Understandable. Nic Cage’s epicness can be a hazard if not consumed responsibly.”, John said, nodding sagely.

“Says so right on the box: consume with caution, small doses only.”

“Use at your own risk.”

“Universal Studios not liable for injury.”

John cracked up at that and said, “We should probably head out or we’ll be standing here making shitty jokes all night.”

Dirk laughed, too. “Yeah, sorry. Got caught up in the sweet and hellacious jokes we were throwing around. Uhh let me double check where the place is.” He pulled out his phone as they started walking to look the smoothie place up and make sure they’d be   
going the right way. 

John fell in step next to him and smiled, patting his pockets. Dirk turned around a few times to make sure they were oriented correctly, and just down the street a large smoothie sign could be seen cresting over a hill. 

“Place is called Smoothie King, better have damn good smoothies”, Dirk said.

“Bit of a called shot, huh?”, John laughed. “What a lofty title to claim in advance.”

“Right? Like, what makes them so sure they’re the king of smoothies? I didn’t vote for them.”

“Uh, of course not. Everyone knows leadership is chosen via weird ladies in lakes handing out swords.”

“That’s no basis for a government.”

John cackled, and Dirk laughed with him as he put away his phone. This was chill, Dirk thought. He could definitely get past his whole ‘John is Really Hot and I Like Him’ thing and be friends, right? Right. Right? Maybe not right. The guy was so hot, and so   
unfairly funny and genuinely enjoyable to be around. It was hard not to be a little obsessed with him. 

“What kind of smoothies do you like?” What a great conversation topic, Dirk! Good Job! Riveting.

“Fruity ones.”

“Aren’t they all fruity?”, Dirk laughed.

“That’s The Joke.”

Dirk snorted as they finally reached Smoothie King and he held the door open for John. “I see how could I have missed that”, he said with a smile.

John jokingly bowed as he passed and said, “I know, my humor is so advanced. Not entirely dad jokes, what a preposterous accusation.”

“Of course not, who would ever think they’re dad jokes when you obviously put so much careful craftsmanship into them.”

“Thank you—“, he chuckled. “—for recognizing my hard work—”

Dirk snorted again. “There’s a boner joke in there somewhere but I’m way to distracted to dig it out.” The line wasn’t very long so he stood at the counter and perused the menu. 100% he was only distracted by the menu. Nothing else. Not even a little bit. He   
glanced at John briefly.

John waggled his brows at Dirk before taking a good look at the menu, and Dirk didn’t flush at that. Nope. He definitely wasn’t thinking about John and boners at the same time. John’s boners. Shit, brain, change the fucking subject!

“Uh, what do you want?”, Dirk asked. “I’ll get it.”

“Aww, thanks”, John said, smiling brightly. “Medium strawberry banana, please.”

“You got it.”

It didn’t take long for him to order (he himself got some ridiculous citrus thing), and the smoothie guy – what were they called? Baristas were for coffee so what were they for smoothies? Smmmmoooooothists? Anyway the smoothie guy said he’d bring them   
their smoothies in a minute, and Dirk and John sat at a small table after paying. John took a moment to turn left, then right, so he could crack his back, and groaning softly when his spine popped. Then, slouching in his seat, he said, “Next time I’ll get yours, so   
we’re even.”

That definitely was not super attractive to Dirk for whatever fucking reason, not at all. He chuckled a bit and said, “Oh, planning on there being a second date already? Am I just that amazing?” Wow, he really said that huh. Flushing, he quickly added, “I mean,   
not that shit is a date I don’t think this is a date. Fuck.”

“Wow, I don’t think I’ve seen you back out on a bit so fast”, John laughed. “Scared of dates? Datephobic?”

“Yep, you got me. I’m the rarely seen cousin of gamophobes. Instead of fearing commitment, I fear the awkward and delicate dance of dates. Just really…” He laughed. “… really skeeves me out.” It was a good bit, but his heart wasn’t entirely in it. 

“My condolences”, John said somberly, which made Dirk snort pretty unattractively as the Smoothie Guy brought them their smoothies. He laughed out a thanks as the guy left. 

“Please don’t die, dude.”, John said with a soft laugh.

“It’ll take more than that to kill me, I’m damn near invincible.”

“I sure hope so.” John sipped at his smoothie and hummed appreciatively. “That’d be a really silly way to lose you. Death by condolence.”

“Make for a funny story, though.”

“Yeah, but at what cost?”

“Dying a legend, having the most ironic funeral in history.”

John snorted. “Do I even wanna know?”

“Definitely not”, Dirk said, smirking and sipping at his smoothie. 

“Dammit, that just makes me more curious.”

“Rip you I guess, I’m not divulging those secrets. That’s between me and my will.”

Comically shaking his fist at Dirk, John said, “Dammit, Strider!”

Dirk laughed evilly. “All according to keikaku.”

“Okay, so those were YOUR anime posters.”

“You saw me wearing pointy ass shades and thought they weren’t?”

“Oh, is that an anime thing?”

“You know enough about anime to catch keikaku but not pointy shades?”

“No, what’s anime about pointy shades?”

Dirk went to reply, but hesitated and narrowed his eyes at John. “Are you fucking with me?”

John just grinned. “Am I?”

“You’re totally fucking with me.”

Cackling, John said, “Yeah, I’m fucking with you.”

Dirk laughed and rolled his eyes. “You had me for a second. I was about to go on and on about the intricacies of anime for who knows how long.”

“Oh, man. Were you about to totally school me on anime?”

“Absolutely. I have to pass my knowledge on to someone.”

“Okay, fair enough.”

His laughter trailed off a little as Dirk drank more smoothie. This was really nice, just hanging out with John like they were. And he was going to say as much, but he started to notice people were kind of…. Staring at him. Dirk turned away so he faced the   
window, feigning interest in something outside so he could try to ignore the stares without being obvious. It wasn’t working at all, he could still feel them. He should’ve worn a backup or something, even if his backup pair were dumb as shit. John had sat back in his seat and looked around the shop, sipping his smoothie with a smile. Eventually, he noticed Dirk looking shifty, though, and his face scrunched up in concern. 

“Hey”, he said softly. “What’s up?”

“Ah, uh…” Dirk looked a little embarrassed as he explained. “Nothing, I just kind of forgot people have a tendency to stare when I don’t wear shades. Orange eyes are pretty uncommon and all that. Dave annoyed me so much I completely forgot a backup pair.”

John’s brows furrowed for a moment, and he looked around. It was true, people were staring. Still sucking on his straw, he looked around at the faces of the people around them until he seemed to make eye contact with one of them. They just stared at each   
other for several minutes, possibly the most intense staring contest Dirk had ever seen, and suddenly the other person fell out of their seat with a wobbly yelp. Satisfied, John turned back to Dirk. “Something else for them to stare at instead”, he said. 

Dirk had watched in confusion, trying to parse what was happening, and said with a soft huff of laughter, “I’m not entirely sure what happened there, but thanks.”

“No problem”, John said, smiling. “I figure it’s probably pretty hard to stare when your body thinks it’s shooting through the air at terminal velocity. And I’ll do it again, bop bop bop—”

That made Dirk laugh harder. “I appreciate it.”

“Any time!”

“Maybe we should get out of here? Before people start staring again. You can’t knock people out of their chairs all day.”

“Maybe, yeah”, John laughed. “Jerks. Id I could get them all, I would.”

That made Dirk’s chest warm and he just smiled again as he stood up, gesturing to the door. “After you then.”

John held the door open for Dirk with a smile, and Dirk placed a hand over his heart and fluttered his eyes. With an affected drawl, he said, “My, what a gentleman.”

John just snorted and followed Dirk out of the shop. Yeah, Dirk thought. They could just be friends. He liked hanging out with John too much to ruin it by trying to rub his gay little hands all over their relationship.


	4. This is MY Not Date, Go Away Dirk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat comes over for movie night and gives Dirk relationship advice

So the apartment was kind of a mess. Dave wasn’t too worried about it, but Rose always insisted that you have to present a clean home to be a good host and if he didn’t straighten up at least a little before Karkat showed up, he’d have her voice in his head nagging at him the entire time they watched movies. So, a bit begrudgingly, Dave got up shortly after Dirk and John left and started cleaning up the mess around the living room and kitchen. Should he prepare a snack? Or like, maybe he should order pizza? Was Karkat expecting to be fed at all? But wasn’t that what you do when you hang out, you offer your guests food? Damn, Dave was real bad at this. He settled on chips and soda. The apartment looked decent when he was finished, and he even changed out of the shirt he’d dripped popsicle juice onto earlier so he looked pretty clean, too. Cool. With that done, he had literally nothing else to do for however long it took Karkat to show up. He just flopped onto the couch and kept playing Tony Hawk while he waited. 

He didn’t have to wait too long, as it turned out. When there was a knock on the door, Dave definitely didn’t answer it too fast, and he absolutely didn’t trip over his feet getting there. Chill. It was just a couple bros hanging out. The fact Dave lacked significant  
friends was not influencing how he felt about hanging out with Karkat. Not at all. Speaking of Karkat, he stood in the doorway with his hands shoved into the pockets of his hoodie and looked thoroughly irritated. 

“Hey”, Dave said, super casually as he let Karkat into the apartment.

“Hi”, Karkat said flatly, walking past Dave and looking around the immediate vicinity. “Holy fuck, I don’t know what to look at first. It’s like my eyes are trying to spontaneously evolve into compound bug eyes just to take all this shit in.” Then, sort of awkwardly,  
“…Uh. Thanks for inviting me. Is your brother here?”

“Yeah, Dirk and I have uuuh. A few interests, I guess”, Dave replied with a chuckle. “Nah, he’s off one a bro date with John or something. Want a drink?” He gestured to the couch, indicating Karkat could sit if he wanted, and stepped across the room to the kitchen. 

Karkat did, in fact, sit and stared at the Shelf of Dead Things. “Maybe? What do you have?”

“Water. Apple juice. Uuuuuh.” Dave opened the fridge. “Soda. Wine, but I don’t remember how old it is so it’s probably just like Oops All Vinegar now.”

“Water’s good”, Karkat said.

“You got it.” After a few minutes, Dave came back and handed Karkat a glass of water. “What did we decide on watching?”

Karkat muttered a soft ‘thanks’ as he took the water, and then shifted to sit more upright. “Trolls 2.”

“Right.” Dave flopped into the seat next to Karkat and waved his hands a little. The tv changed inputs, and Dave just navigated menus with small gestures of his fingers until he got where he wanted to go. As the movie started, he flicked his hand towards the  
door and the lights turned off. “I’m ready to rearrange my list of top 5 best shitty movies.”

Karkat watched Dave out of the corner of his eye, seemingly a little impressed with his magic. “It’s so bad it was permanently seared into my brain the first time I saw it and yet somehow every single time I watch it again it blows my fucking skull apart with how  
terrible it is like I wasn’t painfully aware of that going in”, he said flatly. “Truly a masterpiece.”

“Well damn, that’s a pretty solid endorsement.”

They heckled the movie the entire time, as if the actors could hear what they were saying. About halfway through, Dave – after laughing at a particularly awful scene – said, “Yeah, this is garbage. I love it.”

“Right?”, Karkat said. “Just wait, it gets so much worse.”

Dave doubted that, and said as much, but he was swiftly proven wrong. By the end of the movie, he’d laughed so hard his sides hurt and his face was red. He had to straight up remove his shades and wipe at his eyes.

“Holy shit”, he said. “I don’t think anything I’ve seen has ever been that spectacularly awful in all the best ways.”

“It’s fucking incredible, like everything about it just aligns so perfectly to create the most majestic pile of shit movie ever created”, Karkat said, still laughing as he glanced over at Dave.

Still smiling, Dave met Karkat’s gaze briefly before sliding his shades back on and flicking his hand at the door again to turn the lights on. It seemed Karkat was not immune to Strider Eyes as he faltered slightly and stumbled over his words as he looked back  
to the tv. 

“Uh. Fuck it, sure.”

“Sick”, Dave said, getting up to refill their drinks. He grabbed a couple bags of chips for good measure, too. It was right around then that Dirk came home, a soft smile on his face as he sipped at the remainder of his smoothie. He stopped in the doorway and  
looked from Dave to Karkat and as he closed the door, said, “So. How was the tip touching?”

Karkat scowled. “Subpar. How was slobbing on John’s knob?”

“Primo. Probably the best knob slobbing in history”, Dirk said. Dave groaned and grimaced at Dirk as he walked back to the couch. 

“Are you going to be this insufferable the rest of the night? I’m trying to show him Zoolander.”

“You, seriously? Is this like a forreal date situation or can I get in on that hot Stiller action?”

“I’m not the one in denial about whether I’m on dates or not. If it was a date I’d’ve said so. Or at least put a sock on the door or some shit.”

“I can’t imagine doing a date with Dave”, Karkat said. “But if I had to try I would imagine it’d be pretty goddamn obvious it was one.”

“He’d woo the ass off you.”, Dirk said, and Karkat snorted.

“If I say you can watch, will you stop talking about me?”

Dirk flopped onto the couch on the other side of Karkat and put his feet up on the table. “Nah.”

“Great. Will you at least get the fucking lights?”

With a noise of acknowledgement, Dirk flicked his hand over his shoulder and turned the lights off. “I wasn’t on a date either.”

“No one fucking asked.”, Dave said. 

“I’m just saying. In case you were like… Thinking it. I wasn’t on a date.”

“You seem oddly invested in making sure we don’t think you were on a date”, Karkat said. “So now I think it was a date out of spite.”

“Oh my god, please don’t get him started.”

Too late, Dirk was already started. “No, it was just two bros hanging out. John doesn’t think of me like that anyway. Honestly, he’s probably straight so it couldn’t have been a date in the first place. Doesn’t matter what happened. Or didn’t, because nothing  
happened we just got smoothies.”

Karkat just blinked owlishly at Dirk. “Wow.” Then, squinting his eyes, he said, “Have you ever met straight guy that lets you get away with calling him a bear? Really think about it.”

“Have you ever met a straight guy in general? These fuckers are going around now whining that they have ‘bottom energy’ and they think it’s literally about where you physically are in bed. I wouldn’t put it outside the realm of possibility that a straight dude  
would think being called a bear meant being called an actual literal bear.”

“Jesus Christ, they’re evolving. Okay, disregard me then. But not entirely, just that last bit. Did he explicitly tell you he’s straight? Like did he look you in the face and go ‘ I Am NoT a HoMoSeXuAl, DiRk’?”

“Well, no, but—”

“He has a track record.”, Dave said. 

“I do not.”, Dirk said petulantly. “Jake doesn’t count, he wasn’t straight.”

“He was aromantic, so either way he didn’t return your very homosexually romantic feelings for him”, Dave said with a shrug. 

Sighing heavily, Dirk said, “It’d just be too good to be true.”

Karkat rolled his eyes. “Okay, so what? You sit here and stew in that feeling of despair because you’re telling yourself he’s probably unreachable? Are you a fucking masochist??”

“I meaaaaan…. Not in that way.”

“Oh my god please shut up”, Dave said. 

“What else am I supposed to do? Just walk up to him and be like hey John you’re hot and we should do a date sometime? I can’t do that.”

“No, but you CAN just, I dunno, spend time with him and get to know him like a regular person”, Karkat said. “Like, you’re saying you don’t know if he’s straight or not. First of all, if he turns out to be totally straight I will grab myself by the asshole and turn  
myself inside out so that I may wink out of existence and trouble the universe with my excessive wrongness no longer, but that’s not important. Just fucking like get to know him dude, you’ll find out eventually and also you’ll come to know whether you  
currently like him mainly for being an irresponsibly buff bear or if you like him for whatever dumb bullshit he’s actually got going on. Assuming you can survive that grade a fucking thirst you’re suffering from.”

“I dunno if I can. I’m really dehydrated.”

“Shut uuuup, oh my god. This is the worst conversation I’ve ever heard. I know why you’re having issues Dirk and I fucking guarantee it’s fine. Calm the fuck down and just get to know the guy like Karkat said.”

Dirk just scowled at Dave and fell silent for a bit. Karkat glanced between the two of them before sinking down in his seat and getting comfortable. 

No one said anything for a while, just comfortably watching the movie which was every bit as spectacularly and purposefully bad as Dave had said. About twenty or so minutes in, Dirk said, “I fell on the treadmill today because I saw him working out. Shredded  
my shades.”

“Oof”, Karkat said, wincing. “Nice going.”

“Yeah it was a pretty spectacular wipe out. Fell ass over head and everything.”

“Wait”, Dave said, pausing the movie. “You left earlier without shades at all? I thought you just hadn’t put them on yet.”

“I kind of… forgot to grab a backup pair.”

Dave whistled. “Damn. You do have it bad.”

Karkat just looked between them in confusion.

“It gets worse”, Dirk said. 

“How does it get worse than you being so far up his ass you forgot shades?”, Dave laughed.

“Everyone at the smoothie shop ended up staring at me—”

“As expected.”

“Shut up. They stared at me and John saw I was uncomfortable and he did… I don’t know exactly what he did but it made someone fall out of their chair so people stared at them instead of me.”, Dirk explained.

“Bro.”

“I know.”

“Holy shit”, Karkat said. 

“Right?”

“Ok, so he likes you, too”, Dave said. 

“Not necessarily. What if he’s just Like That? What if he did it because he’s nice or because he does that kind of thing for all his friends?”

Dave just rolled his eyes and settled deeper into the couch as Dirk sighed and scrubbed his hands down his face.

“Ah”, Karkat said. “You’re determined to overthink it. It sounds like he likes you, too. Did anything else happen?”

“Not really. I made a bad joke about it being a date and immediately backpedaled because I’m a coward. We took the long way home after leaving so we could talk more”, Dirk replied. 

“YOU backpedaled on a bit? Who the fuck are you and what did you do with my brother, holy shit.”

Dirk groaned and rubbed his face again. “I know.”

“Smooth”, Karkat snorted. “Did he say anything about it?”

“He said ‘I don’t think I’ve seen you go back on a bit like that’ and then started a different bit about me being date-phobic.”

“Dude doesn’t even know you and he could tell it was weird for you to wuss out like that”, Dave said. “I’d marry the fucker right then and there, honestly.”

“And this was after you are shit so hard you full scorpion’d in front of him”, Karkat added. “I don’t get what the issue is, it really sounds like he likes you. Just one of these times when you’re gonna ask to hand out, use the word date instead. Then do one of  
those shitty bits if he doesn’t respond well. But you have to double down on the bit if it comes to that, he’s already established he can smell fear.” A pause. “Okay thay last part probably doesn’t sound reassuring. Are you completely sure you can’t just talk to  
him?”

Dirk glanced at Dave, who just shrugged, and said, “I can’t.” 

Dave watching him for a moment, squinting at him in the dark. He knew Dirk’s problems mostly arose from his ability to influence emotions, but he wished Dirk would give himself more credit. It’d been a long time since there’d been an incident, and Dirk had  
better control now. Dirk didn’t agree.

“Then stop stressing about it, bro”, he said. “I say talk to him, but if you’re actively choosing not to say anything what’s the point of moping around and whining about it?”

“Besides, I can’t imagine sitting and agonizing over it is going to help you not act weird around him in the meantime”, Karkat added. 

Dirk sighed. “I know, you’re right.”

“Great! Clad that’s settled! Can we finish watching Ben Stiller’s masterpiece, please?”

“Ben Stiller’s masterpiece is the Night at the Museum trilogy.”

Dave glared at Dirk, which was almost impossible to tell with his shades on. “Get out.”

Dirk just laughed but didn’t move, and Dave reached over Karkat to hit him hard in the shoulder. “Get out! He didn’t even direct those!”

“Just play the fucking movie!!”, Dirk wheezed. 

Karkat sort of turtled downward to make sure he couldn’t get caught in the crossfire, scowling. “Can you assholes at least wait until I’m gone to try to murder each other.”

“Sorry”, they said in unison. 

Dave huffed and flopped back into his seat, starting the movie again while Dirk tried, unsuccessfully, to rein in his laughter. “Dick.”

“Takes one to know one.”

Karkat sank back down into the cushions and almost immediately tuned back into the movie, trying very hard not to pay attention to the Striders bitching at each other. 

Things died down eventually, and about ¾ of the way through the movie Dirk just got up and left. Dave made some joke about him going to whack it to John’s beefy arms and Dirk throws something at Dave’s head before disappearing down the hall.

“Oh thank god”, Karkat muttered once Dirk was out of sight, scooting to take the spot against the arm of the couch so he could sit weird against it. 

The movie didn’t last much longer, and as the credits rolled Dave stretched and flicked the lights back on. “Sorry about Dirk”, he said after a second. 

Karkat was cracking his wrists and fingers, and looked quizzically over at Dave. “Did I say Dirk bothered me? Like, serious question: you remember every single conversation we’ve had before this, right? I’m gonna tell you if I’m bothered and you know it.”

“Guess I’m just used to apologizing for him”, Dave said, shrugging. 

“I’m going to not ask about that and instead ask about that shelf of dead stuff over there”, Karkat said flatly, pointing.

“Oh my Death Collection?”, Dave asked, as if that was a totally normal thing that everyone had. He stood up and stepped over to the shelf. “Wanna look at it?”

“I really do, yeah.”, Karkat replied, standing up as well and cracking his back. 

People usually weren’t too interested in his collection, so Dave smiled probably the most genuine smile since Karkat met him. 

“This is Gary”, he said, pointing to a stuffed crow. “And I caught all these bugs myself.”

There was a clear progression of skill with the insect shadowboxes, each one neater and more well planned than the last. There were bones scattered around the shelf in no particular order – a bird skull in one place, a small rib in another, and so on. There was  
a whole ass snake skeleton curled around the whole display, even. 

Karkat looked at everything as thoroughly as he’d tried to look at the apartment when he first arrived. “The snake”, he said, in a slightly reverent tone. “Wow. You’ve got this down to an art.”

“Right?”, Dave said with a soft laugh. “I’m like the king of pinning dead shit to carboard.”

“CEO of sticking pins in dead things.”

“Hell fucking yeah.”

“I’m guessing this has been a hobby of yours for like a while, then.”

Dave scratched the back of his head. “Yeah, pretty much. I used to want to be an archaeologist when I was a kid. At least before my abilities showed up.”

“Huh.” Karkat quietly inspected the bugs in the collection for another minute before turning back to Dave. “That’s pretty dorky. What about now?”

Dave snorted and said, “I still fuck around with it from time to time. This one-“ He pointed to the most recent shadowbox. “-I finished just before we moved.”

Karkat leaned over to examine that one, now. He wasn’t exactly smiling, but the set of his brows was far less tense than the frown he almost always seemed to be wearing, and he really was looking closely at everything with quiet interest. “I meant what do you  
want to be now, numbnuts”, he said. “But that’s good to know.”

“Shit, fuck if I know”, Dave said. After a brief pause, he added, “Uh, director, actually. Kind of want to make non-magic films.”

Looking at Dave, Karkat asked, “Intentionally shitty ones or do you take yourself super seriously?”

“Intentionally shitty all the way, obviously. Maybe like… one or two artsy ones or some shit.”

“Ohh, artsy. I’m legitimately afraid to know what the means coming from you.”

Dave snorted again. “What do you think it’d be like?”

Karkat scratched at his chin thoughtfully for a moment. “Dick jokes at worst, something deeply meaningful but broken down into suck a tangential metaphor its widely misinterpreted as a dick joke at best”, he said, shoving his hands in his hoodie pockets.

“That’s—” Dave laughed. “Yeah, probably.”

Karkat looked around the apartment one more time. “Was there anything else you wanted to subject me to before I leave?”

“Just my irresistible charms”, Dave said, finger gunning at Karkat. 

“Fuck off”, Karkat laughed. 

“Maybe if you’re lucky.” As soon as Dave said it, he grimaced a bit as if he couldn’t really believe he had. “I mean, this is my house, so if anyone’s going to fuck off, shouldn’t it be you?”

“Point taken, I’ll get right on that”, Karkat said, moving to the door. 

“I didn’t mean like you had to.”

“Make up your mind. Are you trying to get rid of me or not.”, Karkat deadpanned. 

“I was joking, but if you want to leave I won’t stop you.”

“I was also joking.”

“Pfft. Yeah, obviously. I was like six layers deep in irony, dude.” The faint flush on Dave’s face said otherwise. 

“Uh huh.” Karkat crossed his arms. 

“Yeah dude, keep up.”

“I feel like I’m keeping up just fine.”

“Nah, man, I’m like an enigma. You can’t keep up with me. It’s alright, though, I won’t hold it against you.”

“Keep up with this”, Karkat said, flipping Dave off.

“At least give me a challenge.”

“Nah, then I’ll never leave.”

“Aw, you like me.”

“Don’t even fucking start, Dave.”

“Like that’s going to do anything.”

“Yeah? What the fuck else is new? Nothing does anything apparently.”, Karkat groused. 

“See, now you’re getting it”, Dave said, smirking.

“Goddammit.”

Dave just laughed. “But seriously, you leaving or we watching something else?”

“Like what?”

“More Ben Stiller classics?” Dave counted off on his fingers as he said, “Night at the Museum, Meet the Fockers, Starsky and Hutch, Dodgeball…. Owen Wilson was in a really shitty horror movie, that’s an option.”

“He was???”

“Oh my god was he. I think it was some attempt at more serious roles, but the movie itself was already pretty ridiculous to it didn’t come off well.”

“I need to see this horseshit”, Karkat said decisively, mocing to sit down again. 

Dave laughed and followed him back to the couch, flicking his hands again to navigate menus and find the film. The Haunting started as he turned off the lights, and it had that very distinct awful 90s horror feel to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The magic shit picks up eventually, it's not always this light and like background-y. Dirk and Dave both have additional abilities aside from the technomancy shit, and Dirk's gets talked about again in a couple chapters! Dave's will get brought up at some point. We're starting to catch up to where the rp this is based on actually is lmao so idk what's gonna come next exactly. Fun! Next chapter gets angsty because Dirk is just Like That.


End file.
